K10 Discovers True Link Between Testosterone and Traders

A study linking elevated levels of testosterone to profitability in traders was published a few days ago in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Scientists. Much has been made of the results of this study which concluded that traders with the highest testosterone levels in the morning were the most likely to make money that day. I have read a few different interpretations of the results, some claiming testosterone was also to blame for excessive risk-taking, with others claiming that traders who were identified as sissies should be injected with testosterone in the morning. I, on the other hand, refuse to read too much into a study conducted on 17 traders for eight consecutive business days on one trading desk in London. This is due to the fact that I have conducted my own studies (purely anecdotal as they may be) on the effects of testosterone on traders. The results of my unscientific study conducted on over 200 traders over the course of every business day for about 12 years have produced the following conclusions:

1.) Elevated Levels of Testosterone Cause Traders to Throw Phones
What is interesting about this discovery is that it doesn't actually matter what type of phone is thrown. Any phone is fair game. For example, I have witnessed traders with elevated levels of testosterone break very expensive equipment on sophisticated desks of upstairs trading floors at banks as well as $50 cell phones on a filthy options exchange floor. The following is a key event which led to my conclusion. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Some dialogue has been altered to keep this blog family friendly.

Broker: Can you give me a quote on blah blah (a very unusual complicated spread)?

Trader 1: I'm busy! Go away!

Broker: I really need a quote. It's for a good customer.

Trader 1: I'm at blah blah (accidentally messes up the math)

(Broker relays quote to customer on the line, then gets very excited.)

Broker: You're done on 500,000!

(Trader 1's testosterone starts to rise as he realizes he gave the wrong quote)

Trader 1: No, Wait. You're not done on 500,000. I did the math wrong. He's not done.

Broker: You gave me a live quote! You're done on 500,000!

(Trader 1's testosterone explodes. Please note reaction.)

Trader 1: You BLEEPIN' BLEEPETY MCBLEEP! You are NOT DONE!

Broker: YOU GAVE ME A LIVE QUOTE!

Trader 1: GIVE ME THAT BLEEPIN' PHONE! GIVE ME THAT BLEEPIN' PHONE YOU GIANT BLEEPER!

(Trader 1 grabs phone out of brokers hand and hurls it at the broker, Naomi Campbell-style. Due to increased testosterone, Trader 1 temporarily loses vision in one eye thus causing him to miss his target. The phone shatters when it hits the floor causing a large piece to bounce into the air, hit Trader 2 in the eye, thus breaking his glasses.)

Trader 2: Ow! My eye!

2.) Elevated Levels of Testosterone Cause Traders to Abuse Clerks
As a trading assistant, new employees are generally expected to tolerate a significant amount of abuse from traders who are supposedly teaching them the ropes. Here is a good example of what is going on currently on most trading desks:

Trader: Did you put the tickets in? Where's my BLEEPIN' coffee? Have you put in our lunch order yet? How am I supposed to think when I'm so hungry? Why am I losing money today? You must've put something in wrong! Can you figure out what's wrong?

Assistant: Yes. I haven't had time. No. I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't think so. And I'm working on it.

Trader: WHAT??? YOU HAVEN'T PUT THE LUNCH ORDER IN YET??? YOU BLEEPIN' NO GOOD BLEEPHEAD!

3.) Testosterone Causes Traders to Fight About the Same Things Every Single Day
There is a natural tension on a trading floor between trading and sales. Traders are paid on profits while those in sales are paid on commission. As a consequence, traders always think that salespeople are trying to "screw" them just to print a ticket and collect commissions. Salespeople just think traders are jerks. Despite the fact that these things are known, traders insist on picking fights with brokers and salespeople every day accusing them of trying to "pick them off." Please observe the following example:

Broker: Can I get a quote on the blah blah?

Trader: Who's the customer? Is it the Bleeps at Bleep Bank? I'm not giving them a quote.

Broker: Yes, that's the customer. Can I get a quote please?

Trader: Are they trying to pick me off?

Broker: Can I please just get a quote?

Trader: I'm at blah. But I'm only good for a 1-lot.

Broker: Ok. Done. Can I do 100,000 there?

Trader: No! I can't believe you picked me off! You BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!
(Trader throws phone at broker. Repeat this conversation every business day for the rest of eternity.)

I'm thinking I might team up with a neuroscientist and have my study published in a scientific magazine.